"Is it okay if I don't know how I'll ever stop loving him?"
How could she? How could she give it up, though it will hurt every time she breathes too deeply? And what in the hells is she supposed to do now with all of it but keep it set just enough to the side?
"Depends what you mean by 'okay'. Probably won't ever stop hurting. But. You don't have to force yourself to let it go. Not if you don't want to. Probably wouldn't work anyway."
You can't let it go if you don't want to. That'd be like trying to amputate your own arm with the saw in the same hand.
"...love's like. Ripping your heart out. And giving it to someone else to carry. You can take it back. But you can't put it back."
Poetic, by Daisy's standards, but, well, she's thought about this one a lot over the last few years. And that's how it feels.
Love is your heart, offered out for company. A piece of the self in the shape of that vital organ that will always bear fingerprints. It's knowing exactly the direction she has to stand in her apartment to be facing the house, all the way out there. She can't put it back. It's too altered by now.
"...it's Phil."
She doesn't want to carry the burden of secrecy anymore. Let Daisy know the name of the person Fever cried on her for.
It must say something, about the kinds of people they have always been, that a she can describe it that way and it resonates in an instant. But they know the kind of people they are. It's not a surprise.
"Ah." Now that Fever says the name, it only makes sense. Can't imagine who else it could've been. Would sooner have had answers for people she could be sure it wasn't. "No wonder it's so complicated."
Phil's a good guy, and his voice is on the radio every day, and he's the kind of guy with reason to keep his wedding ring years into being pulled into multiple other universes. And that's before getting into everything else.
"You're telling me. Out of everyone on this island."
She had to fall for the would-be widower with a good heart who comes from a world without magic in it.
"It's not like I didn't know. He's normal, and I'm not. It's not like I didn't know that he wants to go home."
To his normal world without magic, to the wife he has long since mourned, to a place where strange occurrences and kidnappings and unexpected gods and transformations don't happen. To a place she can't follow, even if she wanted to. And that would be complicated enough, if not for all the rest of it.
"If knowing all the reasons we shouldn't fall for someone was enough to stop us..." Well, add that to the list of things that would make life a lot easier. But it's not. They don't get the easy ways out of this. "These places make a lot of things easy to ignore. Or feel less impossible. Then reality crashes in. For better or worse."
Or for both, sometimes. There's not such a fine line between the two, in her experience.
"Or you finally speak after staying silent and you can't pretend anymore."
For all of the heartsickening terror that she'd felt, thinking she was going to be cast out by everyone when her truths came to light, at least that hadn't given her any kind of hazy ending or false hope. Being hated makes sense. Being loved, far less.
"And I tried so hard to pretend it wasn't what it was. I really, really did. I thought I'd be able to somehow manage it."
Somehow, someway. Somehow, she could convince herself that it was something she was okay to lose.
"Well. Not gonna pretend you could've. But thinking you could is pretty normal, I think. People want to believe. Even people like us."
Far from 'normal' as they might be. Apparently even mass killers with multitudes of issues can't help but be a little pathetic, sometimes. Emotions are horrible and inconvenient, like that.
She feels choked up - vaguely disgusting for it, like she will talk and flood the room with what's been stoppered up, and that somehow this will expose a fatal flaw that everyone can see. All she can do is keep breathing for the moment, working through the parts that feel like trapped muscles finally unclenching.
"Yeah. I spent six years pining after Basira, back home. Telling myself all the reasons it wouldn't work. Trying to convince myself it could in the same breath. Clinging on all that time because having her there was close enough. Things are better here. But if we'd never left... it never could've happened."
There's no version of reality back home where they got a happy ending. They had to leave that world behind to have a chance. And even if it has changed now, Daisy still remembers. And she still knows how their story was meant to end.
"She was the first person I had ever actually felt that way about. Learned all this stuff the hard way."
Six years. She can easily see how she'd do the same if it was possible. Locking her tongue in place so that it never moved, never jostled the situation. Taking solace from the fact that they were near, and that was enough.
"Gods. I don't need to explain it all to you, then."
Empathy's in her tone. Things are better here, possible here. Not identically the same - Daisy can live a life with Basira here, both of them attached to this soil - but enough that she doesn't need to rehash the level of terror that's felt at the idea of losing them by speaking. Wanting so badly to make things work anyway.
"...I'm going to be a miserable fucking wreck when it happens." She doesn't know how she's going to be able to do anything but grieve.
"You will be. And it'll hurt like hell. And then you'll figure out how to keep going. Because we've done it before."
It's just a new kind of rebuilding. They've both had to learn to live for something, to accept that they have a future that isn't doomed by their histories. A broken heart's just another piece of that.
The only thing she'll be able to do will be to give herself to the care of her friends. She'll live - people don't die of broken hearts. And she won't run away from life - he'd never want that for her. But it will need to be lived through.
Daisy, who right now feels as steady as sun warmed stone. She'll bare her wounds, and let them be bandaged.
Zero hesitation. No expectation. No expiry. She will be here. There's no other option. In choosing a new life, a new version of the her she is now, she made a choice to stand by her friends.
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hadnoright) wrote2022-11-01 01:56 am
no subject
How could she? How could she give it up, though it will hurt every time she breathes too deeply? And what in the hells is she supposed to do now with all of it but keep it set just enough to the side?
no subject
"Depends what you mean by 'okay'. Probably won't ever stop hurting. But. You don't have to force yourself to let it go. Not if you don't want to. Probably wouldn't work anyway."
You can't let it go if you don't want to. That'd be like trying to amputate your own arm with the saw in the same hand.
"...love's like. Ripping your heart out. And giving it to someone else to carry. You can take it back. But you can't put it back."
Poetic, by Daisy's standards, but, well, she's thought about this one a lot over the last few years. And that's how it feels.
no subject
Love is your heart, offered out for company. A piece of the self in the shape of that vital organ that will always bear fingerprints. It's knowing exactly the direction she has to stand in her apartment to be facing the house, all the way out there. She can't put it back. It's too altered by now.
"...it's Phil."
She doesn't want to carry the burden of secrecy anymore. Let Daisy know the name of the person Fever cried on her for.
no subject
It must say something, about the kinds of people they have always been, that a she can describe it that way and it resonates in an instant. But they know the kind of people they are. It's not a surprise.
"Ah." Now that Fever says the name, it only makes sense. Can't imagine who else it could've been. Would sooner have had answers for people she could be sure it wasn't. "No wonder it's so complicated."
Phil's a good guy, and his voice is on the radio every day, and he's the kind of guy with reason to keep his wedding ring years into being pulled into multiple other universes. And that's before getting into everything else.
no subject
She had to fall for the would-be widower with a good heart who comes from a world without magic in it.
"It's not like I didn't know. He's normal, and I'm not. It's not like I didn't know that he wants to go home."
To his normal world without magic, to the wife he has long since mourned, to a place where strange occurrences and kidnappings and unexpected gods and transformations don't happen. To a place she can't follow, even if she wanted to. And that would be complicated enough, if not for all the rest of it.
no subject
"If knowing all the reasons we shouldn't fall for someone was enough to stop us..." Well, add that to the list of things that would make life a lot easier. But it's not. They don't get the easy ways out of this. "These places make a lot of things easy to ignore. Or feel less impossible. Then reality crashes in. For better or worse."
Or for both, sometimes. There's not such a fine line between the two, in her experience.
no subject
For all of the heartsickening terror that she'd felt, thinking she was going to be cast out by everyone when her truths came to light, at least that hadn't given her any kind of hazy ending or false hope. Being hated makes sense. Being loved, far less.
"And I tried so hard to pretend it wasn't what it was. I really, really did. I thought I'd be able to somehow manage it."
Somehow, someway. Somehow, she could convince herself that it was something she was okay to lose.
no subject
"Well. Not gonna pretend you could've. But thinking you could is pretty normal, I think. People want to believe. Even people like us."
Far from 'normal' as they might be. Apparently even mass killers with multitudes of issues can't help but be a little pathetic, sometimes. Emotions are horrible and inconvenient, like that.
no subject
She feels choked up - vaguely disgusting for it, like she will talk and flood the room with what's been stoppered up, and that somehow this will expose a fatal flaw that everyone can see. All she can do is keep breathing for the moment, working through the parts that feel like trapped muscles finally unclenching.
no subject
"Yeah. I spent six years pining after Basira, back home. Telling myself all the reasons it wouldn't work. Trying to convince myself it could in the same breath. Clinging on all that time because having her there was close enough. Things are better here. But if we'd never left... it never could've happened."
There's no version of reality back home where they got a happy ending. They had to leave that world behind to have a chance. And even if it has changed now, Daisy still remembers. And she still knows how their story was meant to end.
"She was the first person I had ever actually felt that way about. Learned all this stuff the hard way."
no subject
"Gods. I don't need to explain it all to you, then."
Empathy's in her tone. Things are better here, possible here. Not identically the same - Daisy can live a life with Basira here, both of them attached to this soil - but enough that she doesn't need to rehash the level of terror that's felt at the idea of losing them by speaking. Wanting so badly to make things work anyway.
"...I'm going to be a miserable fucking wreck when it happens." She doesn't know how she's going to be able to do anything but grieve.
no subject
"You will be. And it'll hurt like hell. And then you'll figure out how to keep going. Because we've done it before."
It's just a new kind of rebuilding. They've both had to learn to live for something, to accept that they have a future that isn't doomed by their histories. A broken heart's just another piece of that.
"But it'll hurt like hell first. So. Yeah."
no subject
The only thing she'll be able to do will be to give herself to the care of her friends. She'll live - people don't die of broken hearts. And she won't run away from life - he'd never want that for her. But it will need to be lived through.
Daisy, who right now feels as steady as sun warmed stone. She'll bare her wounds, and let them be bandaged.
no subject
"Always."
Zero hesitation. No expectation. No expiry. She will be here. There's no other option. In choosing a new life, a new version of the her she is now, she made a choice to stand by her friends.