"Being so big and heavy that you kinda can't have normal relationships any more," Erin clarifies, looking...regretful. "It's a bit of a whole thing. I'm sure you noticed."
"...As for who outweighs me, good question. I wouldn't tangle with SecUnit even if we weren't friends, I don't wanna cross that hail of laser fire. There's the dude who can summon the fucking moon. Someone shattered the deck on Halloween after you died, so there's, y'know, that. Hell, Dimitri might be able to give me a run for my money. Boy can match my wild might, that's a new goddamn experience for me."
"...right. Yeah." Daisy's claws clink and scrape a little against the bowl. She sighs and flexes her fingers. Thinks of Basira and wishes she could stop herself from thinking of Basira. Loses whatever appetite she had but forces another spoonful into her mouth anyway, only to gag and barely get it down. Urgh.
Daisy huffs air out her nose. Stares at the soup until even looking at it makes her feel nauseous and then moves to set it aside. When she gets herself as comfortable as possible again Erin might catch a glimpse of the edge of the starburst scar on her back.
"I wasn't." Another huff. She wraps her arms around a pillow again. "I wasn't supposed to be the only one who made it out. You know that."
That's not revealing more than Erin already knows.
Daisy hisses faintly, claws digging into the pillow hard enough to make little tears in the fabric. "She's in the Nothing. I watched. Her throat. Get slit. Right in front of me. And now she's in there. Forever."
And then she lived another year and saw Basira start to see her differently, and then she gave up her humanity and made her promise and—
"Maybe not." Erin's fingers run through her hair; a stressed gesture. A worried one. "I'm sorry. I really am. That Nothing is horrifying, not even the piano guy should - but there's not a lot to be done. Not with the ship as it is."
"I know that!" It's snappier than she means it to be and she buries her face in the pillow. "...I know that. But maybe. Just maybe. You can see how that complicates things."
Why it's so hard to live here again without her. Why it's hard to imagine really connecting with anyone here.
"Not that she'd want me anymore even if I could get her out..." It's quiet enough it's really not clear if she even meant to say it aloud, she's not even sure herself, but it doesn't matter, she rolls over to lay face-down and muffle a pained noise.
The weak growl is muffled where her face presses into the pillows. That strange, defensive growl with no real bite, that feels like it should be accompanied by nervous, raised hackles.
She really doesn't know how to do gentle. But she can't bring herself to turn and bite at Erin either.
"The offer to talk about bullshit stands," Erin murmurs softly. "But given that you ignored it...seems like maybe you need someone to listen. I'm here, Daisy."
Daisy doesn't know how to just Be, yet. To just talk casually. To stop her head swimming with all these thoughts she needs to let out but refuses to share with people. Jon Knows because Jon Knows her and Knows Basira and she never had to say it when she came to sit with him. He just Knows.
But she's not at home and she's still running a fever and there's a Basira in the Nothing that won't love her anymore if she sees the state she's in.
"We weren't. Together. At home. But she was there. Always. Ever since we became partners. I tried to hide what I did. But she knew. Didn't care. Covered for me. And then— and then I. I went away. For a while. Didn't want to. Got— swallowed up. And when Jon got me out. I was— this. Different. Resisting."
"Not. Exactly the same. She was. She was— more, in some ways. And she said she supported it. Me. Changing. Doing better. But."
She shakes her head, buries her face more against the pillow.
"No. S-She didn't— look at me the same. It was like. It was like she was looking at. At a ghost. Sometimes. Like I wasn't really there. G-Guess I wasn't, really. Not the way she needed me to be."
It's a good thing Daisy isn't looking at Erin. She opens her mouth to say something several times, to defend Daisy, to express anger and confusion that someone close to her would treat her that way.
Erin doesn't. It's not going to be welcome. And Erin doesn't know this other woman, or the circumstances.
What she says instead, after a long moment, is: "Can I hold you?"
As soon as her head is clear again, as soon as whatever taint is flushed from her system completely, she's going to regret saying any of this. Acknowledging this aloud to anyone has never been an option. Showing this kind of weakness is not an option.
But she's shaking, now. She's shaking and weak and when she nods, she already knows she's going to kick herself for it later.
Erin does take her boots and sword belt off first, but then she climbs into the bed to hold Daisy close, to nestle her head against the back of Daisy's neck and be there for her. Feeling protective, and concerned, and...
Daisy feels small and helpless and lost and everything she hates feeling, but she's also just as tired of being alone as she is tired of caring when caring only gets you hurt.
What good was clinging to a human heart when all it meant was it could still break?
She never quite relaxes, but her breathing slows. It slows until it's almost steady, if not for the little hitches from the discomfort of illness. It slows until Daisy is starting to fall asleep with Erin there holding her.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hadnoright) wrote2022-11-01 01:56 am
no subject
"...As for who outweighs me, good question. I wouldn't tangle with SecUnit even if we weren't friends, I don't wanna cross that hail of laser fire. There's the dude who can summon the fucking moon. Someone shattered the deck on Halloween after you died, so there's, y'know, that. Hell, Dimitri might be able to give me a run for my money. Boy can match my wild might, that's a new goddamn experience for me."
no subject
"...right. Yeah." Daisy's claws clink and scrape a little against the bowl. She sighs and flexes her fingers. Thinks of Basira and wishes she could stop herself from thinking of Basira. Loses whatever appetite she had but forces another spoonful into her mouth anyway, only to gag and barely get it down. Urgh.
no subject
no subject
Daisy huffs air out her nose. Stares at the soup until even looking at it makes her feel nauseous and then moves to set it aside. When she gets herself as comfortable as possible again Erin might catch a glimpse of the edge of the starburst scar on her back.
"I wasn't." Another huff. She wraps her arms around a pillow again. "I wasn't supposed to be the only one who made it out. You know that."
That's not revealing more than Erin already knows.
no subject
Gently.
Very gently.
no subject
Daisy hisses faintly, claws digging into the pillow hard enough to make little tears in the fabric. "She's in the Nothing. I watched. Her throat. Get slit. Right in front of me. And now she's in there. Forever."
And then she lived another year and saw Basira start to see her differently, and then she gave up her humanity and made her promise and—
"Gone doesn't do it justice."
no subject
no subject
"I know that!" It's snappier than she means it to be and she buries her face in the pillow. "...I know that. But maybe. Just maybe. You can see how that complicates things."
Why it's so hard to live here again without her. Why it's hard to imagine really connecting with anyone here.
"Not that she'd want me anymore even if I could get her out..." It's quiet enough it's really not clear if she even meant to say it aloud, she's not even sure herself, but it doesn't matter, she rolls over to lay face-down and muffle a pained noise.
no subject
no subject
The weak growl is muffled where her face presses into the pillows. That strange, defensive growl with no real bite, that feels like it should be accompanied by nervous, raised hackles.
She really doesn't know how to do gentle. But she can't bring herself to turn and bite at Erin either.
no subject
no subject
Daisy doesn't know how to just Be, yet. To just talk casually. To stop her head swimming with all these thoughts she needs to let out but refuses to share with people. Jon Knows because Jon Knows her and Knows Basira and she never had to say it when she came to sit with him. He just Knows.
But she's not at home and she's still running a fever and there's a Basira in the Nothing that won't love her anymore if she sees the state she's in.
"We weren't. Together. At home. But she was there. Always. Ever since we became partners. I tried to hide what I did. But she knew. Didn't care. Covered for me. And then— and then I. I went away. For a while. Didn't want to. Got— swallowed up. And when Jon got me out. I was— this. Different. Resisting."
no subject
no subject
"Not. Exactly the same. She was. She was— more, in some ways. And she said she supported it. Me. Changing. Doing better. But."
She shakes her head, buries her face more against the pillow.
"No. S-She didn't— look at me the same. It was like. It was like she was looking at. At a ghost. Sometimes. Like I wasn't really there. G-Guess I wasn't, really. Not the way she needed me to be."
no subject
Erin doesn't. It's not going to be welcome. And Erin doesn't know this other woman, or the circumstances.
What she says instead, after a long moment, is: "Can I hold you?"
no subject
As soon as her head is clear again, as soon as whatever taint is flushed from her system completely, she's going to regret saying any of this. Acknowledging this aloud to anyone has never been an option. Showing this kind of weakness is not an option.
But she's shaking, now. She's shaking and weak and when she nods, she already knows she's going to kick herself for it later.
no subject
(We can say it. To ourselves.)
...In love, probably.
She doesn't say anything. There's nothing to say.
no subject
Daisy feels small and helpless and lost and everything she hates feeling, but she's also just as tired of being alone as she is tired of caring when caring only gets you hurt.
What good was clinging to a human heart when all it meant was it could still break?
She never quite relaxes, but her breathing slows. It slows until it's almost steady, if not for the little hitches from the discomfort of illness. It slows until Daisy is starting to fall asleep with Erin there holding her.
And scene?
scene
Daisy grumbles just faintly, and drifts off into an uneasy but real sleep.