The first response spills out against her better judgement: "You think it should be easy?! Look, the last person I—"
She cuts herself off with a frustrated noise, drags her tongue across her teeth again and flinches—bad idea when she's not healing instantly. "I didn't— look, I'm not stopping you, am I?"
"You're trying to." Erin takes shaky breaths. Gets back to work. "You're not...people here will warm up to you if you give them a chance. It's not just me. It's not, okay? They're good people. You don't..."
She can't finish. Erin tapes the bandages in place and sits back. "I don't want to argue again. You're hurt."
That's not the problem. Or perhaps in some ways it is. This voyage is already full of better people than hers ever was. So why would they care about her?
She doesn't bother to put her shirt right back on. Just pops some aspirin dry and then lays back down with a sigh.
"Warm's fine. Should probably have it. Haven't really..." haven't really eaten, the last few days. Which is less dire than it sounds, she may be able to die now but she doesn't think normal starvation is one of the things that can do it, but...
She sighs and props the pillows up so she can lean against them when she sits back up again.
"...I don't know how to be around good people, Erin. Alright? It's been monsters and people who may as well be for years."
"They've been pretty good at being around monsters so far. And before you leap to that conclusion, not just me." A beat. "Not just me and Siffleur. Just...let them be themselves."
Once Daisy's comfortable Erin puts the bowl of soup into her lap; minimal chance of spilling, and it can't hurt to have something warm there for a moment.
It also gives Erin the insane urge to kiss Daisy's forehead, which she throttles in a Herculean effort of will.
"...It's a bit scary, isn't it? Realizing you're living among people who can outweigh you."
Daisy can't bring herself to comment on the first part again, doesn't want to fall into an argument going around and around in circles. She's too tired for it. So she just starts eating the soup.
"Little bit." Fucking terrifying, actually. "Was one of the heaviest hitters, last time. I was— more. You know? This— this me, you're getting, right now, I wasn't like this. I was at my worst. My strongest. And at home—"
She shakes her head. Bites back a comment about how other entities would enlist Hunters, sometimes. How even other Avatars weren't actually safe from them.
"It's scary for me too. Never realized how bad it got, being the biggest badass to ever have an ass, until I wasn't. But there's been this weird sense of camaraderie about it too. They...get it, y'know?"
Erin hopes it makes sense. For once it's not an argument, she's just trying not to sound insane.
"Being so big and heavy that you kinda can't have normal relationships any more," Erin clarifies, looking...regretful. "It's a bit of a whole thing. I'm sure you noticed."
"...As for who outweighs me, good question. I wouldn't tangle with SecUnit even if we weren't friends, I don't wanna cross that hail of laser fire. There's the dude who can summon the fucking moon. Someone shattered the deck on Halloween after you died, so there's, y'know, that. Hell, Dimitri might be able to give me a run for my money. Boy can match my wild might, that's a new goddamn experience for me."
"...right. Yeah." Daisy's claws clink and scrape a little against the bowl. She sighs and flexes her fingers. Thinks of Basira and wishes she could stop herself from thinking of Basira. Loses whatever appetite she had but forces another spoonful into her mouth anyway, only to gag and barely get it down. Urgh.
Daisy huffs air out her nose. Stares at the soup until even looking at it makes her feel nauseous and then moves to set it aside. When she gets herself as comfortable as possible again Erin might catch a glimpse of the edge of the starburst scar on her back.
"I wasn't." Another huff. She wraps her arms around a pillow again. "I wasn't supposed to be the only one who made it out. You know that."
That's not revealing more than Erin already knows.
Daisy hisses faintly, claws digging into the pillow hard enough to make little tears in the fabric. "She's in the Nothing. I watched. Her throat. Get slit. Right in front of me. And now she's in there. Forever."
And then she lived another year and saw Basira start to see her differently, and then she gave up her humanity and made her promise and—
"Maybe not." Erin's fingers run through her hair; a stressed gesture. A worried one. "I'm sorry. I really am. That Nothing is horrifying, not even the piano guy should - but there's not a lot to be done. Not with the ship as it is."
"I know that!" It's snappier than she means it to be and she buries her face in the pillow. "...I know that. But maybe. Just maybe. You can see how that complicates things."
Why it's so hard to live here again without her. Why it's hard to imagine really connecting with anyone here.
"Not that she'd want me anymore even if I could get her out..." It's quiet enough it's really not clear if she even meant to say it aloud, she's not even sure herself, but it doesn't matter, she rolls over to lay face-down and muffle a pained noise.
The weak growl is muffled where her face presses into the pillows. That strange, defensive growl with no real bite, that feels like it should be accompanied by nervous, raised hackles.
She really doesn't know how to do gentle. But she can't bring herself to turn and bite at Erin either.
"The offer to talk about bullshit stands," Erin murmurs softly. "But given that you ignored it...seems like maybe you need someone to listen. I'm here, Daisy."
Daisy doesn't know how to just Be, yet. To just talk casually. To stop her head swimming with all these thoughts she needs to let out but refuses to share with people. Jon Knows because Jon Knows her and Knows Basira and she never had to say it when she came to sit with him. He just Knows.
But she's not at home and she's still running a fever and there's a Basira in the Nothing that won't love her anymore if she sees the state she's in.
"We weren't. Together. At home. But she was there. Always. Ever since we became partners. I tried to hide what I did. But she knew. Didn't care. Covered for me. And then— and then I. I went away. For a while. Didn't want to. Got— swallowed up. And when Jon got me out. I was— this. Different. Resisting."
"Not. Exactly the same. She was. She was— more, in some ways. And she said she supported it. Me. Changing. Doing better. But."
She shakes her head, buries her face more against the pillow.
"No. S-She didn't— look at me the same. It was like. It was like she was looking at. At a ghost. Sometimes. Like I wasn't really there. G-Guess I wasn't, really. Not the way she needed me to be."
It's a good thing Daisy isn't looking at Erin. She opens her mouth to say something several times, to defend Daisy, to express anger and confusion that someone close to her would treat her that way.
Erin doesn't. It's not going to be welcome. And Erin doesn't know this other woman, or the circumstances.
What she says instead, after a long moment, is: "Can I hold you?"
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hadnoright) wrote2022-11-01 01:56 am
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In a thick voice on the edge of tears: "Is it so fucking hard to just let me care about you?"
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The first response spills out against her better judgement: "You think it should be easy?! Look, the last person I—"
She cuts herself off with a frustrated noise, drags her tongue across her teeth again and flinches—bad idea when she's not healing instantly. "I didn't— look, I'm not stopping you, am I?"
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She can't finish. Erin tapes the bandages in place and sits back. "I don't want to argue again. You're hurt."
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"I'm not questioning them being 'good people'."
That's not the problem. Or perhaps in some ways it is. This voyage is already full of better people than hers ever was. So why would they care about her?
She doesn't bother to put her shirt right back on. Just pops some aspirin dry and then lays back down with a sigh.
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Erin sighs, frustrated. "...You up for soup? I won't say it's still hot but it's still warm."
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"Warm's fine. Should probably have it. Haven't really..." haven't really eaten, the last few days. Which is less dire than it sounds, she may be able to die now but she doesn't think normal starvation is one of the things that can do it, but...
She sighs and props the pillows up so she can lean against them when she sits back up again.
"...I don't know how to be around good people, Erin. Alright? It's been monsters and people who may as well be for years."
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Once Daisy's comfortable Erin puts the bowl of soup into her lap; minimal chance of spilling, and it can't hurt to have something warm there for a moment.
It also gives Erin the insane urge to kiss Daisy's forehead, which she throttles in a Herculean effort of will.
"...It's a bit scary, isn't it? Realizing you're living among people who can outweigh you."
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Daisy can't bring herself to comment on the first part again, doesn't want to fall into an argument going around and around in circles. She's too tired for it. So she just starts eating the soup.
"Little bit." Fucking terrifying, actually. "Was one of the heaviest hitters, last time. I was— more. You know? This— this me, you're getting, right now, I wasn't like this. I was at my worst. My strongest. And at home—"
She shakes her head. Bites back a comment about how other entities would enlist Hunters, sometimes. How even other Avatars weren't actually safe from them.
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Erin hopes it makes sense. For once it's not an argument, she's just trying not to sound insane.
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"Get what? The being the biggest badass or the not being it?"
Daisy keeps eating the soup, which she somehow manages to look remarkably begrudging about.
"Who even outweighs you?"
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"...As for who outweighs me, good question. I wouldn't tangle with SecUnit even if we weren't friends, I don't wanna cross that hail of laser fire. There's the dude who can summon the fucking moon. Someone shattered the deck on Halloween after you died, so there's, y'know, that. Hell, Dimitri might be able to give me a run for my money. Boy can match my wild might, that's a new goddamn experience for me."
no subject
"...right. Yeah." Daisy's claws clink and scrape a little against the bowl. She sighs and flexes her fingers. Thinks of Basira and wishes she could stop herself from thinking of Basira. Loses whatever appetite she had but forces another spoonful into her mouth anyway, only to gag and barely get it down. Urgh.
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Daisy huffs air out her nose. Stares at the soup until even looking at it makes her feel nauseous and then moves to set it aside. When she gets herself as comfortable as possible again Erin might catch a glimpse of the edge of the starburst scar on her back.
"I wasn't." Another huff. She wraps her arms around a pillow again. "I wasn't supposed to be the only one who made it out. You know that."
That's not revealing more than Erin already knows.
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Gently.
Very gently.
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Daisy hisses faintly, claws digging into the pillow hard enough to make little tears in the fabric. "She's in the Nothing. I watched. Her throat. Get slit. Right in front of me. And now she's in there. Forever."
And then she lived another year and saw Basira start to see her differently, and then she gave up her humanity and made her promise and—
"Gone doesn't do it justice."
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"I know that!" It's snappier than she means it to be and she buries her face in the pillow. "...I know that. But maybe. Just maybe. You can see how that complicates things."
Why it's so hard to live here again without her. Why it's hard to imagine really connecting with anyone here.
"Not that she'd want me anymore even if I could get her out..." It's quiet enough it's really not clear if she even meant to say it aloud, she's not even sure herself, but it doesn't matter, she rolls over to lay face-down and muffle a pained noise.
no subject
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The weak growl is muffled where her face presses into the pillows. That strange, defensive growl with no real bite, that feels like it should be accompanied by nervous, raised hackles.
She really doesn't know how to do gentle. But she can't bring herself to turn and bite at Erin either.
no subject
no subject
Daisy doesn't know how to just Be, yet. To just talk casually. To stop her head swimming with all these thoughts she needs to let out but refuses to share with people. Jon Knows because Jon Knows her and Knows Basira and she never had to say it when she came to sit with him. He just Knows.
But she's not at home and she's still running a fever and there's a Basira in the Nothing that won't love her anymore if she sees the state she's in.
"We weren't. Together. At home. But she was there. Always. Ever since we became partners. I tried to hide what I did. But she knew. Didn't care. Covered for me. And then— and then I. I went away. For a while. Didn't want to. Got— swallowed up. And when Jon got me out. I was— this. Different. Resisting."
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"Not. Exactly the same. She was. She was— more, in some ways. And she said she supported it. Me. Changing. Doing better. But."
She shakes her head, buries her face more against the pillow.
"No. S-She didn't— look at me the same. It was like. It was like she was looking at. At a ghost. Sometimes. Like I wasn't really there. G-Guess I wasn't, really. Not the way she needed me to be."
no subject
Erin doesn't. It's not going to be welcome. And Erin doesn't know this other woman, or the circumstances.
What she says instead, after a long moment, is: "Can I hold you?"
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And scene?
scene